I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
