I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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