Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
