I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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