I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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