It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
