You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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