yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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