She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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