Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
