between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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