I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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