I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
