I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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