I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
