If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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