Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
