Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
