You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
