I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
