I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
