Just took my morning after pill in the library
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
