You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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