I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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