Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
