My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
