Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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