I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
