Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
