I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
