Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
