my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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