If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
