Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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