I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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