How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
