5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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