when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
