My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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