i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
