Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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