Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
