so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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