I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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