Can i not drive my cunt home
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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