is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Congratulations! We have a period
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