Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
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Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
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My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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