I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
