We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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