Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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