Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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