i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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