Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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