So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
