I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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