Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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