I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
